Update on my last blog

Sooo where to start. Shanelle is home from aussie. she came home on the 11th of march. we went down to wellys for the weekend to get her from the airport.. had one of those pulsating migraines most of the weekend tho so it wasnt really that fun for me at all. but its good to have my lil sis back in the country, even tho we are still missing one member of our family (Chris)
Nana HAD bladder cancer. Then it turned into TERMINAL BONE CANCER in which she was under that special funding, therefore we know she has less than 6 months.
Nana ended up going to Palmy with mum for the week for radiation treatment, was sleeping 22 hours a day, wasnt very well at all. so the weekend she got back she ended up in hospital, got diagnosed with pneumonia, and further tests and scans showed that the cancer had spread to just about every other bone in her body.. which leaves her open to breaking bones quite easily.
sooo after she got home, she ended up going back to palmy for about 10 days for pain relief treatment on her spine.. came home, still not good, so the doc shifted her into a resthome in taradale. that was about a month ago now..
poppa missed nana heaps, so he ended up being shifted into the resthome too so that he could be with her.. and he is still there with her now :D
the really hard thing that iv had to watch over the last few days is nana's rapid decline. on tuesday she was sitting up attempting to have some food. next day when i went to c her she told me she wasnt having a good day.. she honestly looked like shit.
went to visit her today, she is doped up to her eye balls on morphine, her eyes are all googly as and she doesnt seem to be very concious most of the time. apparantly she has lost her ability to swallow as well.. which is sad. I walkd in there to c her today, poppa started crying and thats when i couldnt handle things. i had to walk out to avoid balling my eyes out... but then i sat outside and cryed and it was good. i hardly ever cry.
julie came along 20mins later and cheered me up, said that i am appreciated by nana and poppa for what i do, like the tulips i bought nana last week, she loved them which made me happy.
its really hard to think that im not going to have my nana around for very much longer.. and how hard life will be without her there. we think she only has days left.
my life, will be turned up side down. i dont no how i am going to handle it. knowing me, i will get completely effed off with God.. which i am bound to do even tho i believe in God with all that I am.. but apparantly its okay to be angry with God. meh? i dunno ae.
i love my nana so much. she taught me to walk, talk, she showed me how to bake, how to care for animals, she would make me afternoon tea when i visited her after school... we layed the anzac wreath every year. that was a Josh and Nana thing. Thats why I am sorry I couldn't do it this year for you Nana. I wanted to... but its just not the same.
The last wee while has been so tough for you. I wish u werent in pain anymore. i dont like seeing you like this. It breaks my heart.. and Poppas, and Mums.

I have a new guy in my life. His name is Scott. We have been seeing each other for coming up a month now.. yep. a new record for JOSHEY :)
He is soo lovely, and sexy, and loveable. and cuddly. i love hugging him. he makes me feel awesome. and he says that he doesnt care what i look like, that i am a good guy and he wants us to be together for a long time. he might be a bit too pushy on the sex thing, but i will talk to him about that when he gets back. sex is nothing without love. otherwise its just two ppl using each other for pleasure, which is a disgusting thought. he has been in america and england on holiday for the last couple of weeks, which has been a bit hard on me.. i started to miss him like crazy after about a week.. but i talked to him the other day on msn, and he gets back on the 28th, but he will be very jet lagged in deed :(

The other day I spoke at Primal, i did my testimony and preached. it was okay. was kinda disappointed that only the 7 of us were there. Some of my so called friends didnt even bother to show up coz apparantly its TOO LATE at 8pm to be out and about. Yeah? nice to know how much i actually mean to you, and that your promises actually mean fuck all. Yeah?

i keep getting these cool as visions and revelations. yay. prophet styles. wooooo. chris said that i need to treasure it and use it well. so i have been praying heaps and not using it for my gain (coz it doesnt work that way) but to help other people and encourage them.

Its strange. now that i have a boyfriend it feels like every gay guy around wants to be with me. i hate it. i just want scott and no other distractions. but its like a constant test.. coz thats the thing that i have struggld with before.. i do have to happily say that i have stayed faithful to him this entire time that he has been away and i am really stoked that i got thru that challenge.

EIT - yeah. thats not gunna go well. i have three assignments due by the 18th of may. havnt really started any of them yet. fuck. i feel that nana is going to not be here with us for much longer tho and thats the most important thing for me now, is to be with the family. if it comes to it then i will just fail eit and have to do it again or whatever. not bothered. well. it kind of fucks me off that i now have a 3000 dollar student loan. that is just gay.
k. bye

Hell its January 2009!!!

Hahaha wow 2008 went really fast! This year we just had a quiet New years, still got a bit too tiddly at the pub and then just came home and watched a couple of DVD's. Good stuff lol.
I'm really happy at the moment. I like being single, and freeeee.

Joel wants to get back together, but he was the one that dumped me like a week ago, saying that i had shit to sort out in my head and blah blah.. well mate, its only been a week so what the fucks changed lol.

I only want to be friends or even just acquantances, I dont want any of this shit where i have u nagging at me all day to come and c u and everything. I NEEED some time alone without being with anybody...

Yes, its strange, but for once id like to be in the company just of myself, so i can think and pray and laugh and cry. all by MYSELF lol

But other than that, things are really good. I have some awesomely amazing friends now, which I can only thank God for. And now dads going off his rocker at me coz i need to clean up some shizz hahahahaha. Outties

Xmas and Shit

Had a good xmas this year, first one without my sis! it was kinda emotional for a while, but then i got over it and started laying into the wine that i bought lol.
it was a real good nite, just hangin at grandmas house with my uncle and parents and stuff...
oh and last night i continued my binge drinking and then Joel dumped me, which i duno... doesnt seem to have hit me yet or i must not have liked him that much at all....
And yeahhhhh got some good shopping done today. Got myself a new fone which is schweeeet.

My birthday is in like 24 and a half hours. 19 years old. Hells bells. im only gunna feel old from here haha.

Soo where is life taking me?

Should I stay here for Primal?
Should I bugger off to Aussie to be with sis?
Should I go to Welly to start a new life away from everything?

I DONT NO yet lol

Argh we will c.
Any suggestions guys???????

Not 100% sure that I am...

I don't think i am 100percent gay.

Actually. I dont know whether I am at all.
Why the fuck would someone violate me when i was that little, it has fucked up my entire life and created all of this confusion. ARGH. Asshole. ima punch him.

What am I suppose to do with this? My ex told me the other day that it is best to try with girls and guys so that ur not limited to just one.. and guys are fine.. and so are girls..
I dont think I will ever be able to walk down the street and not look at that yummy boi with the slim body, muscular... etc.
But what about girls? Tits and ass dont really tickle my fancy. So maybe I am asexual? Meaning im not sure about guys or girls. I think thats what that means.
I do want to try with a girl.. but I havnt found the right one.
Im sure God would forgive me if i sinned once in an effort to correct my neverending homo sinning lol.

What do I do about Joel?
FUCK. Why does life have to be so fucking confusing?????
ARGHHHHHHHHHH i wish i would just be totally into girls, even be like everyone else i know and bonks everything with two legs and a pussy. Shit. why does my head have to be so screwed up? Im thinking i need a councellor.. but what good will that do?

My mind obviously is telling me that I am not really into guys, coz there have been some errrr issues... performance wise... and im totally not that keen on being randy by myself anymore.
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK.

Well thats my blog for today.
Blah

FUCK

Well to sum up my day and my life at the moment. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK.

Who am I? What am I? How do I find out?

FUCK

My friends are amazing. Primal has been really good, there are now lots of new cool people to hang out with and chat to, and I feel like I can trust them. It is real fun being around ppl. I dont no what i would do without my friends. Love u guys :D

Note: Jaimee's new kitten is extremely cute lol

Joel is oober sexy hehe.

It is christmas day in like four days! OMGAWSH. Im so disorganised!!!!! and my 19th is on the 29th december!!!! waaaaaat am i gunna do for that?

lol

k. well this has been a random blogging.

RAWR.

I guess I had a good weekend :D mum and dad bought me a cool hoodie from Taupo. its rad as. and nice and warm. and cost a lot of money. lol thanks mum and dad :D loves yew guys lots xx

Shanelle and Chris have found a place to live! with an indian lady (bood bood) whose house smells like currey apparantly lmfao. but thats only for a month they hope so they can find something more permanent when all the band members finally get over there. shit it has been a long process. I was rather hoping that they wouldnt find a place so that they could come home again. I miss u baby sis. love u. i miss the dead arms that u use to give me :D

Oh i sold my car. and i bought an ipod touch. its wickedley cool :)

RAWR im outties to go get some fooooooooooooooooood and watch outrageous fortune.

The Other Night

Well, things are quite.... WOW for me at the moment. The other night me and Joel went to Primal for the potluck dinner, which was really good. I caught up with Laura and Jordan who I havn't seen in ages, and they met Joel and it was all really great. Everyone seemed to accept him and chatted to him and he really enjoyed the evening, except for one minor/major incident where someone told us that 'God hates Fags' which really pissed me off.

The next day, mum and dad went off to Taupo for the night, so Yonny and Laura came over and played Crash for a couple of hours which was real cool. After they left I went and hired some DVD's so I wouldnt get bored.. amongst the endless cricket. Didnt really end up watching any of the movie coz Joel came around and we ended up .... well yeah.
We had a really good night, which ended up with me telling him that I am falling in love with him. He said it back too.

Soo that was what happened the other night. I am not sure where that leaves us now. He just told me that him and his friends up in Hamilton have found a house to flat in and that they have already started paying rent over the summer. What am I suppose to do??
If we keep going on like this then I am going to really be in love with him.. a lot, but the time he goes to leave.
We have discussed the possibilty of him staying here, and he said that he would make a decision on that after New Years... but I don't see any chance of him staying in Napier.
We also talked about moving to Wellington in the future so that we can both study at Vic, but I am not so sure with how good things are going with my friends and at Primal lately. I am really enjoying it all and it makes me feel like I have a purpose.

There have been other offers, especially from an ex, but so far I have turned them down. They are all just for those one off shags that u tend to avoid... I am sick of people who just think about sex. Althought I must admit I have thought about things.... that arent good. After I told Joel that I am falling in love with him, I had a dream that night about my ex.... not good. I think its quite obvious that I still have feelings for him but I don't know how to act on those.

What does God think? I was reading up on what the bible says about homosexuality, and it states that every sin is equal to another... whether you lie, steal, murder, are gay... every sin IS equal. We all fall short of the glory of God, but if we accept Jesus as our Lord and Saviour then we will be saved. We will be judged, and we WILL kneel before the throne of God on the day that he decides and he will ask us, what did you do with My Son.

Thats just some of the things going thru my mind.
Hmmmmm????? Josh's life is always confusing it seems. Never a simple day, never always happy.
Bahh life is like that and im happy with what I have at the moment. Just not all the shitt stuff lol

RAWR Update Time

Shanelle and Chris left to Melbourne last Thursday, its only been like five days but it seems like an eternity. I talked to her on the phone tonight which is good, her and Chris are trying to get jobs and find a place to live.
There has been lots and lots of crying, and I am still soooo upset about her leaving, I keep thinking about the last thing she said to me while we hugged, she said ‘look after mum and dad for me’ THAT makes me cry A LOT.

I met this awesome guy called Joel, and we are going out, as of Friday morning last week lol. He just told me that he thinks he loves me. WOW. YAY lol
I got my results for my EIT exams, I passed two out of three papers WAHOO! Mental note: apply for student loan and allowance lol
Xmas is not far away, and I am so totally not organized. I only just noticed today how much shit that I actually have to deal with in my life lol. I am actually quite an unstable person L

OHHH and I kinda sold my car today thank goodness!!!!

That’s about all for now

This is Josh. SIGNING OFF.

p.s I AM TOTALLY going to go and yell at the ignorant fuck that is playing loud music across the road. lol