Update on my last blog

Sooo where to start. Shanelle is home from aussie. she came home on the 11th of march. we went down to wellys for the weekend to get her from the airport.. had one of those pulsating migraines most of the weekend tho so it wasnt really that fun for me at all. but its good to have my lil sis back in the country, even tho we are still missing one member of our family (Chris)
Nana HAD bladder cancer. Then it turned into TERMINAL BONE CANCER in which she was under that special funding, therefore we know she has less than 6 months.
Nana ended up going to Palmy with mum for the week for radiation treatment, was sleeping 22 hours a day, wasnt very well at all. so the weekend she got back she ended up in hospital, got diagnosed with pneumonia, and further tests and scans showed that the cancer had spread to just about every other bone in her body.. which leaves her open to breaking bones quite easily.
sooo after she got home, she ended up going back to palmy for about 10 days for pain relief treatment on her spine.. came home, still not good, so the doc shifted her into a resthome in taradale. that was about a month ago now..
poppa missed nana heaps, so he ended up being shifted into the resthome too so that he could be with her.. and he is still there with her now :D
the really hard thing that iv had to watch over the last few days is nana's rapid decline. on tuesday she was sitting up attempting to have some food. next day when i went to c her she told me she wasnt having a good day.. she honestly looked like shit.
went to visit her today, she is doped up to her eye balls on morphine, her eyes are all googly as and she doesnt seem to be very concious most of the time. apparantly she has lost her ability to swallow as well.. which is sad. I walkd in there to c her today, poppa started crying and thats when i couldnt handle things. i had to walk out to avoid balling my eyes out... but then i sat outside and cryed and it was good. i hardly ever cry.
julie came along 20mins later and cheered me up, said that i am appreciated by nana and poppa for what i do, like the tulips i bought nana last week, she loved them which made me happy.
its really hard to think that im not going to have my nana around for very much longer.. and how hard life will be without her there. we think she only has days left.
my life, will be turned up side down. i dont no how i am going to handle it. knowing me, i will get completely effed off with God.. which i am bound to do even tho i believe in God with all that I am.. but apparantly its okay to be angry with God. meh? i dunno ae.
i love my nana so much. she taught me to walk, talk, she showed me how to bake, how to care for animals, she would make me afternoon tea when i visited her after school... we layed the anzac wreath every year. that was a Josh and Nana thing. Thats why I am sorry I couldn't do it this year for you Nana. I wanted to... but its just not the same.
The last wee while has been so tough for you. I wish u werent in pain anymore. i dont like seeing you like this. It breaks my heart.. and Poppas, and Mums.

I have a new guy in my life. His name is Scott. We have been seeing each other for coming up a month now.. yep. a new record for JOSHEY :)
He is soo lovely, and sexy, and loveable. and cuddly. i love hugging him. he makes me feel awesome. and he says that he doesnt care what i look like, that i am a good guy and he wants us to be together for a long time. he might be a bit too pushy on the sex thing, but i will talk to him about that when he gets back. sex is nothing without love. otherwise its just two ppl using each other for pleasure, which is a disgusting thought. he has been in america and england on holiday for the last couple of weeks, which has been a bit hard on me.. i started to miss him like crazy after about a week.. but i talked to him the other day on msn, and he gets back on the 28th, but he will be very jet lagged in deed :(

The other day I spoke at Primal, i did my testimony and preached. it was okay. was kinda disappointed that only the 7 of us were there. Some of my so called friends didnt even bother to show up coz apparantly its TOO LATE at 8pm to be out and about. Yeah? nice to know how much i actually mean to you, and that your promises actually mean fuck all. Yeah?

i keep getting these cool as visions and revelations. yay. prophet styles. wooooo. chris said that i need to treasure it and use it well. so i have been praying heaps and not using it for my gain (coz it doesnt work that way) but to help other people and encourage them.

Its strange. now that i have a boyfriend it feels like every gay guy around wants to be with me. i hate it. i just want scott and no other distractions. but its like a constant test.. coz thats the thing that i have struggld with before.. i do have to happily say that i have stayed faithful to him this entire time that he has been away and i am really stoked that i got thru that challenge.

EIT - yeah. thats not gunna go well. i have three assignments due by the 18th of may. havnt really started any of them yet. fuck. i feel that nana is going to not be here with us for much longer tho and thats the most important thing for me now, is to be with the family. if it comes to it then i will just fail eit and have to do it again or whatever. not bothered. well. it kind of fucks me off that i now have a 3000 dollar student loan. that is just gay.
k. bye