Had a good xmas this year, first one without my sis! it was kinda emotional for a while, but then i got over it and started laying into the wine that i bought lol.
it was a real good nite, just hangin at grandmas house with my uncle and parents and stuff...
oh and last night i continued my binge drinking and then Joel dumped me, which i duno... doesnt seem to have hit me yet or i must not have liked him that much at all....
And yeahhhhh got some good shopping done today. Got myself a new fone which is schweeeet.
My birthday is in like 24 and a half hours. 19 years old. Hells bells. im only gunna feel old from here haha.
Soo where is life taking me?
Should I stay here for Primal?
Should I bugger off to Aussie to be with sis?
Should I go to Welly to start a new life away from everything?
I DONT NO yet lol
Argh we will c.
Any suggestions guys???????
Saturday, December 27, 2008
Monday, December 22, 2008
Not 100% sure that I am...
I don't think i am 100percent gay.
Actually. I dont know whether I am at all.
Why the fuck would someone violate me when i was that little, it has fucked up my entire life and created all of this confusion. ARGH. Asshole. ima punch him.
What am I suppose to do with this? My ex told me the other day that it is best to try with girls and guys so that ur not limited to just one.. and guys are fine.. and so are girls..
I dont think I will ever be able to walk down the street and not look at that yummy boi with the slim body, muscular... etc.
But what about girls? Tits and ass dont really tickle my fancy. So maybe I am asexual? Meaning im not sure about guys or girls. I think thats what that means.
I do want to try with a girl.. but I havnt found the right one.
Im sure God would forgive me if i sinned once in an effort to correct my neverending homo sinning lol.
What do I do about Joel?
FUCK. Why does life have to be so fucking confusing?????
ARGHHHHHHHHHH i wish i would just be totally into girls, even be like everyone else i know and bonks everything with two legs and a pussy. Shit. why does my head have to be so screwed up? Im thinking i need a councellor.. but what good will that do?
My mind obviously is telling me that I am not really into guys, coz there have been some errrr issues... performance wise... and im totally not that keen on being randy by myself anymore.
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK.
Well thats my blog for today.
Blah
Actually. I dont know whether I am at all.
Why the fuck would someone violate me when i was that little, it has fucked up my entire life and created all of this confusion. ARGH. Asshole. ima punch him.
What am I suppose to do with this? My ex told me the other day that it is best to try with girls and guys so that ur not limited to just one.. and guys are fine.. and so are girls..
I dont think I will ever be able to walk down the street and not look at that yummy boi with the slim body, muscular... etc.
But what about girls? Tits and ass dont really tickle my fancy. So maybe I am asexual? Meaning im not sure about guys or girls. I think thats what that means.
I do want to try with a girl.. but I havnt found the right one.
Im sure God would forgive me if i sinned once in an effort to correct my neverending homo sinning lol.
What do I do about Joel?
FUCK. Why does life have to be so fucking confusing?????
ARGHHHHHHHHHH i wish i would just be totally into girls, even be like everyone else i know and bonks everything with two legs and a pussy. Shit. why does my head have to be so screwed up? Im thinking i need a councellor.. but what good will that do?
My mind obviously is telling me that I am not really into guys, coz there have been some errrr issues... performance wise... and im totally not that keen on being randy by myself anymore.
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK.
Well thats my blog for today.
Blah
Sunday, December 21, 2008
FUCK
Well to sum up my day and my life at the moment. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK.
Who am I? What am I? How do I find out?
FUCK
My friends are amazing. Primal has been really good, there are now lots of new cool people to hang out with and chat to, and I feel like I can trust them. It is real fun being around ppl. I dont no what i would do without my friends. Love u guys :D
Note: Jaimee's new kitten is extremely cute lol
Joel is oober sexy hehe.
It is christmas day in like four days! OMGAWSH. Im so disorganised!!!!! and my 19th is on the 29th december!!!! waaaaaat am i gunna do for that?
lol
k. well this has been a random blogging.
RAWR.
I guess I had a good weekend :D mum and dad bought me a cool hoodie from Taupo. its rad as. and nice and warm. and cost a lot of money. lol thanks mum and dad :D loves yew guys lots xx
Shanelle and Chris have found a place to live! with an indian lady (bood bood) whose house smells like currey apparantly lmfao. but thats only for a month they hope so they can find something more permanent when all the band members finally get over there. shit it has been a long process. I was rather hoping that they wouldnt find a place so that they could come home again. I miss u baby sis. love u. i miss the dead arms that u use to give me :D
Oh i sold my car. and i bought an ipod touch. its wickedley cool :)
RAWR im outties to go get some fooooooooooooooooood and watch outrageous fortune.
Who am I? What am I? How do I find out?
FUCK
My friends are amazing. Primal has been really good, there are now lots of new cool people to hang out with and chat to, and I feel like I can trust them. It is real fun being around ppl. I dont no what i would do without my friends. Love u guys :D
Note: Jaimee's new kitten is extremely cute lol
Joel is oober sexy hehe.
It is christmas day in like four days! OMGAWSH. Im so disorganised!!!!! and my 19th is on the 29th december!!!! waaaaaat am i gunna do for that?
lol
k. well this has been a random blogging.
RAWR.
I guess I had a good weekend :D mum and dad bought me a cool hoodie from Taupo. its rad as. and nice and warm. and cost a lot of money. lol thanks mum and dad :D loves yew guys lots xx
Shanelle and Chris have found a place to live! with an indian lady (bood bood) whose house smells like currey apparantly lmfao. but thats only for a month they hope so they can find something more permanent when all the band members finally get over there. shit it has been a long process. I was rather hoping that they wouldnt find a place so that they could come home again. I miss u baby sis. love u. i miss the dead arms that u use to give me :D
Oh i sold my car. and i bought an ipod touch. its wickedley cool :)
RAWR im outties to go get some fooooooooooooooooood and watch outrageous fortune.
Saturday, December 20, 2008
The Other Night
Well, things are quite.... WOW for me at the moment. The other night me and Joel went to Primal for the potluck dinner, which was really good. I caught up with Laura and Jordan who I havn't seen in ages, and they met Joel and it was all really great. Everyone seemed to accept him and chatted to him and he really enjoyed the evening, except for one minor/major incident where someone told us that 'God hates Fags' which really pissed me off.
The next day, mum and dad went off to Taupo for the night, so Yonny and Laura came over and played Crash for a couple of hours which was real cool. After they left I went and hired some DVD's so I wouldnt get bored.. amongst the endless cricket. Didnt really end up watching any of the movie coz Joel came around and we ended up .... well yeah.
We had a really good night, which ended up with me telling him that I am falling in love with him. He said it back too.
Soo that was what happened the other night. I am not sure where that leaves us now. He just told me that him and his friends up in Hamilton have found a house to flat in and that they have already started paying rent over the summer. What am I suppose to do??
If we keep going on like this then I am going to really be in love with him.. a lot, but the time he goes to leave.
We have discussed the possibilty of him staying here, and he said that he would make a decision on that after New Years... but I don't see any chance of him staying in Napier.
We also talked about moving to Wellington in the future so that we can both study at Vic, but I am not so sure with how good things are going with my friends and at Primal lately. I am really enjoying it all and it makes me feel like I have a purpose.
There have been other offers, especially from an ex, but so far I have turned them down. They are all just for those one off shags that u tend to avoid... I am sick of people who just think about sex. Althought I must admit I have thought about things.... that arent good. After I told Joel that I am falling in love with him, I had a dream that night about my ex.... not good. I think its quite obvious that I still have feelings for him but I don't know how to act on those.
What does God think? I was reading up on what the bible says about homosexuality, and it states that every sin is equal to another... whether you lie, steal, murder, are gay... every sin IS equal. We all fall short of the glory of God, but if we accept Jesus as our Lord and Saviour then we will be saved. We will be judged, and we WILL kneel before the throne of God on the day that he decides and he will ask us, what did you do with My Son.
Thats just some of the things going thru my mind.
Hmmmmm????? Josh's life is always confusing it seems. Never a simple day, never always happy.
Bahh life is like that and im happy with what I have at the moment. Just not all the shitt stuff lol
The next day, mum and dad went off to Taupo for the night, so Yonny and Laura came over and played Crash for a couple of hours which was real cool. After they left I went and hired some DVD's so I wouldnt get bored.. amongst the endless cricket. Didnt really end up watching any of the movie coz Joel came around and we ended up .... well yeah.
We had a really good night, which ended up with me telling him that I am falling in love with him. He said it back too.
Soo that was what happened the other night. I am not sure where that leaves us now. He just told me that him and his friends up in Hamilton have found a house to flat in and that they have already started paying rent over the summer. What am I suppose to do??
If we keep going on like this then I am going to really be in love with him.. a lot, but the time he goes to leave.
We have discussed the possibilty of him staying here, and he said that he would make a decision on that after New Years... but I don't see any chance of him staying in Napier.
We also talked about moving to Wellington in the future so that we can both study at Vic, but I am not so sure with how good things are going with my friends and at Primal lately. I am really enjoying it all and it makes me feel like I have a purpose.
There have been other offers, especially from an ex, but so far I have turned them down. They are all just for those one off shags that u tend to avoid... I am sick of people who just think about sex. Althought I must admit I have thought about things.... that arent good. After I told Joel that I am falling in love with him, I had a dream that night about my ex.... not good. I think its quite obvious that I still have feelings for him but I don't know how to act on those.
What does God think? I was reading up on what the bible says about homosexuality, and it states that every sin is equal to another... whether you lie, steal, murder, are gay... every sin IS equal. We all fall short of the glory of God, but if we accept Jesus as our Lord and Saviour then we will be saved. We will be judged, and we WILL kneel before the throne of God on the day that he decides and he will ask us, what did you do with My Son.
Thats just some of the things going thru my mind.
Hmmmmm????? Josh's life is always confusing it seems. Never a simple day, never always happy.
Bahh life is like that and im happy with what I have at the moment. Just not all the shitt stuff lol
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
RAWR Update Time
Shanelle and Chris left to Melbourne last Thursday, its only been like five days but it seems like an eternity. I talked to her on the phone tonight which is good, her and Chris are trying to get jobs and find a place to live.
There has been lots and lots of crying, and I am still soooo upset about her leaving, I keep thinking about the last thing she said to me while we hugged, she said ‘look after mum and dad for me’ THAT makes me cry A LOT.
I met this awesome guy called Joel, and we are going out, as of Friday morning last week lol. He just told me that he thinks he loves me. WOW. YAY lol
I got my results for my EIT exams, I passed two out of three papers WAHOO! Mental note: apply for student loan and allowance lol
Xmas is not far away, and I am so totally not organized. I only just noticed today how much shit that I actually have to deal with in my life lol. I am actually quite an unstable person L
OHHH and I kinda sold my car today thank goodness!!!!
That’s about all for now
This is Josh. SIGNING OFF.
p.s I AM TOTALLY going to go and yell at the ignorant fuck that is playing loud music across the road. lol
There has been lots and lots of crying, and I am still soooo upset about her leaving, I keep thinking about the last thing she said to me while we hugged, she said ‘look after mum and dad for me’ THAT makes me cry A LOT.
I met this awesome guy called Joel, and we are going out, as of Friday morning last week lol. He just told me that he thinks he loves me. WOW. YAY lol
I got my results for my EIT exams, I passed two out of three papers WAHOO! Mental note: apply for student loan and allowance lol
Xmas is not far away, and I am so totally not organized. I only just noticed today how much shit that I actually have to deal with in my life lol. I am actually quite an unstable person L
OHHH and I kinda sold my car today thank goodness!!!!
That’s about all for now
This is Josh. SIGNING OFF.
p.s I AM TOTALLY going to go and yell at the ignorant fuck that is playing loud music across the road. lol
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Bible Study/My Thoughts
Jeremiah 51:58
The city walls of Babylon – those massive walls, will be flattened. And those city gates – huge gates, will be set on fire. The harder you work at this empty life, the less you are. Nothing comes of ambition like this, but ashes.
The main point to this verse - being that the harder you work at a life that is not of God, the less you are and the less you become. Nothing comes of a life that is not dedicated to serving and living for God, only ashes and suffering. It is an amazing verse and certainly inspires me to get right certain things in my life. I would rather be broke and serving God, than rich and snobby, because having money is a bad thing. That is something that I do struggle with a lot I guess, although not as much as other people. I want to strive to go hard out for God, to influence the lives of young people, as given in a vision to me by God.
Interesting things are happening in my life at the moment, but I am really trying to stay positive. Shanelle and Chris are moving in 7 days. Nana has an aggressive form of bladder cancer and it isn’t looking good at all, and she is being incredibly unfair at mum, abusing her after everything that she has done for her and Poppa in the last six months. I have been praying a lot that the situation will sort itself out according to the will and purpose of God, and I have gotten a lot of strength out of being positive about everything. I am not sure how I will handle living just with mum and dad when Shanelle leaves but I will deal with that when that comes up, but I think Primal and Church this week might cause me to be a bit more emotional than I have been lately, and because Tara is leaving this week as well isn’t that great either. She has been a really great friend and I have learnt so much off her. I will really miss her.
So yeah, that is where things are at right now for me, I have this great passion for God at the moment which is absolutely fantastic!!! Now I am a bit hungry, and all sweaty and yuck because the weather is so freakin hot lol.
The city walls of Babylon – those massive walls, will be flattened. And those city gates – huge gates, will be set on fire. The harder you work at this empty life, the less you are. Nothing comes of ambition like this, but ashes.
The main point to this verse - being that the harder you work at a life that is not of God, the less you are and the less you become. Nothing comes of a life that is not dedicated to serving and living for God, only ashes and suffering. It is an amazing verse and certainly inspires me to get right certain things in my life. I would rather be broke and serving God, than rich and snobby, because having money is a bad thing. That is something that I do struggle with a lot I guess, although not as much as other people. I want to strive to go hard out for God, to influence the lives of young people, as given in a vision to me by God.
Interesting things are happening in my life at the moment, but I am really trying to stay positive. Shanelle and Chris are moving in 7 days. Nana has an aggressive form of bladder cancer and it isn’t looking good at all, and she is being incredibly unfair at mum, abusing her after everything that she has done for her and Poppa in the last six months. I have been praying a lot that the situation will sort itself out according to the will and purpose of God, and I have gotten a lot of strength out of being positive about everything. I am not sure how I will handle living just with mum and dad when Shanelle leaves but I will deal with that when that comes up, but I think Primal and Church this week might cause me to be a bit more emotional than I have been lately, and because Tara is leaving this week as well isn’t that great either. She has been a really great friend and I have learnt so much off her. I will really miss her.
So yeah, that is where things are at right now for me, I have this great passion for God at the moment which is absolutely fantastic!!! Now I am a bit hungry, and all sweaty and yuck because the weather is so freakin hot lol.
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
First Blog!!!
I'm Josh. An 18, nearly 19 year old, single guy from Napier, Hawkes Bay, New Zealand. I am a Christian. I live with my parents at home, currently doing EIT (Polytech) papers, just finished the semester. There is definately a lot going on with my life at the moment so I guess that will come out eventually anyway. I go to Primal Youth Church, which is really amazingly cool. Thats on a Thursday night in town, where lots of young people rock on up and have fun and hear the word of God... sweet deal!!!
Some Cool Things:
- I am nearly 19 - in less than a month
- I have finished exams for the semester!!!
- Christmas is soon!
- Primal is up and running at the venue again this week.
- Parachute Band was absolutely amazing on the weekend.
- God is awesome :D
Some Not So Good Things:
- Shanelle and Chris are moving in 8 days =(
- Nana and Poppa are still very sick.
- I don't have any money lol.
- I have a lot of time on my hands.
- We lost the cricket to Australia.
- I am watching a really gay dvd at the moment.
- I don't have anyone to cuddle =(
Well thats a start, more to come :D
Some Cool Things:
- I am nearly 19 - in less than a month
- I have finished exams for the semester!!!
- Christmas is soon!
- Primal is up and running at the venue again this week.
- Parachute Band was absolutely amazing on the weekend.
- God is awesome :D
Some Not So Good Things:
- Shanelle and Chris are moving in 8 days =(
- Nana and Poppa are still very sick.
- I don't have any money lol.
- I have a lot of time on my hands.
- We lost the cricket to Australia.
- I am watching a really gay dvd at the moment.
- I don't have anyone to cuddle =(
Well thats a start, more to come :D
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